Raging Douchebag Week: Day 1
Posted on
Monday, December 29, 2008
by Gary A. Ballard
As the year comes to a stuttering, maddening close, as the presents are all unwrapped, the post-holiday binge still felt somewhere in the deepest recesses of our bellies, we can look back upon the past year with a critical eye. We can look back over the vast array of public douchebaggery that has facefucked us into the enraged stupor that only a year-end countdown can engender, and we can say with certainty that there are five individuals whose douchebaggery has transcended the everyday cockmunchery of the typical douchebag. We can definitively state that these five individuals have achieved the status of Raging Douchebag, a title we reserve for only the most irritatingly douchey, the douchiest of the douches as it were. Day 1's Raging Douchebag comes from the world of comic books. His output not just over the last year but really for the last five years has earned him the title of Raging Douchebag. That douche is Brian Michael Bendis.
Just look at him. This douche doesn't just act like a douche, he truly looks like a douche. That is the face only a fellow douchebag like myself could love. Or hate, as the case may be. Brian Michael Bendis is a writer of comic books, and up until about five years ago, he was a writer whose work I respected. His independent black and white comics Jinx, Torso and AKA Goldfish were major accomplishments in crime comics, hip, noirish mysteries with crackling dialogue and moody artwork provided by the author himself. Even his first work for the mainstream publisher Marvel was well-done. His run on Daredevil started with a bang and built to a crescendo with his unmasking of the titular character, work that could stand up alongside some of the better interpretations of that character by such industry favorites as Frank Miller, Dennis O'Neill and Kevin Smith. Though the run on Daredevil ended on a bit of a low note, I still hold the early work with the character, who happens to be one of my favorite superhero characters, in high regard.
And then last year's comic Raging Douchebag, Joe Quesada, gave Bendis a shot at revitalizing the flagship superhero team book, Avengers. From that moment forward, Bendis' descent into Raging Douchebaggery was assured.
It all began with Avengers Disassembled, the over-hyped reboot story that kicked off Bendis' run. According to Bendis, he had the first inklings of what would become this year's mega-shit-stain-crossover, Secret Invasion, while writing this story. If true, that would mean his douchebaggery has been mapped out and followed as if it were a prophecy from Ancient Douchebags.
Over the intervening years, we've been treated to Wolverine being featured in more Marvel books than entire roster of Avengers throughout history combined, uber-techno fascist Tony Stark outing superheroes' secret identities, the mutant population reduced to a handful, two Avengers books with shaky rosters, an invasion by aliens led by the fucking Hulk and finally a Skrull Invasion that swallowed whole the entire universe of Marvel books. We're literally talking about hundreds of Marvel books that he has either written, or had some say in directing based on their enforced crossover with his yearly universe-changing series. While he was not responsible in the main for 2007's Civil War, including the death of Captain America, he most certainly was a key voice in the planning of said event. Every major event in Marvel Comics since Disassembled has had his taint, all supposedly leading towards the events of Secret Invasion.
And at the end of Secret Invasion, do we have a resolution or a payoff for five years of mediocre to shitty comics? Yes. Another universe-changing upcoming summer blockbuster crossover miniseries.
Le sigh.
The end result of Secret Invasion is the death of the Wasp for no apparent reason than to have a death (since it wouldn't be universe-changing if someone didn't die). We have Norman Osborn in charge of the successor to S.H.I.E.L.D. because he managed to get a lucky headshot on the Skrull Queen. And he is leading a secret cabal of super-villains from Avengers Mansion, which includes Emma Frost (more on that in a moment). He couldn't write this in the Avengers' comic? Probably not, since he spent the last year of Avengers' stories in two series revealing prequel chapters to the Secret Invasion that featured everyone but the Avengers. Really, there haven't been actual Avengers in either comic for what seems like six months. Rather than tell those stories in the Invasion series, he shits up the Avengers books with stories that could have been told in two sentence exposition during the series.
As for Emma Frost's inclusion in Norman Osborn's secret cabal, it makes so little sense that I wonder if Bendis has been reading the current X-Men books. While Frost certainly began as a villain who might have fit in with such luminaries as Doctor Doom, it has been many years since the character would have taken Osborn's offer as anything other than an excuse to kick the Green Goblin's ass. While the X-Men's position has been one of leaving the non-mutant heroes to take care of their own affairs, there is no way this attitude would be the same thing as allowing Osborn to give all super-criminals a free pass for any crime they want to perpetrate. It also would not mean working with a megalomaniac like Doctor Doom.
To sum up, Bendis deserves the title of Raging Douchebag for almost singlehandedly fucking up the entire Marvel Universe with horrible plot lines stretched way beyond belief in shoehorned crossovers that touch every book like your creepy Uncle Pedobear. Characters all speak with the same voice, that of an urban douchebag who thinks himself much more hip than he actually is. Brian, go back to writing crime comics. You're much better at them than this. Fucking up one comic is bad enough, but fucking up an entire universe of branded characters? For that I name you the Raging Douchebag Nominee in the Comic Book Arts for 2008. From one comic book guy douchebag to another, thanks for pissing on the memories of my childhood heroes.
Just look at him. This douche doesn't just act like a douche, he truly looks like a douche. That is the face only a fellow douchebag like myself could love. Or hate, as the case may be. Brian Michael Bendis is a writer of comic books, and up until about five years ago, he was a writer whose work I respected. His independent black and white comics Jinx, Torso and AKA Goldfish were major accomplishments in crime comics, hip, noirish mysteries with crackling dialogue and moody artwork provided by the author himself. Even his first work for the mainstream publisher Marvel was well-done. His run on Daredevil started with a bang and built to a crescendo with his unmasking of the titular character, work that could stand up alongside some of the better interpretations of that character by such industry favorites as Frank Miller, Dennis O'Neill and Kevin Smith. Though the run on Daredevil ended on a bit of a low note, I still hold the early work with the character, who happens to be one of my favorite superhero characters, in high regard. And then last year's comic Raging Douchebag, Joe Quesada, gave Bendis a shot at revitalizing the flagship superhero team book, Avengers. From that moment forward, Bendis' descent into Raging Douchebaggery was assured.
It all began with Avengers Disassembled, the over-hyped reboot story that kicked off Bendis' run. According to Bendis, he had the first inklings of what would become this year's mega-shit-stain-crossover, Secret Invasion, while writing this story. If true, that would mean his douchebaggery has been mapped out and followed as if it were a prophecy from Ancient Douchebags.
Over the intervening years, we've been treated to Wolverine being featured in more Marvel books than entire roster of Avengers throughout history combined, uber-techno fascist Tony Stark outing superheroes' secret identities, the mutant population reduced to a handful, two Avengers books with shaky rosters, an invasion by aliens led by the fucking Hulk and finally a Skrull Invasion that swallowed whole the entire universe of Marvel books. We're literally talking about hundreds of Marvel books that he has either written, or had some say in directing based on their enforced crossover with his yearly universe-changing series. While he was not responsible in the main for 2007's Civil War, including the death of Captain America, he most certainly was a key voice in the planning of said event. Every major event in Marvel Comics since Disassembled has had his taint, all supposedly leading towards the events of Secret Invasion.
And at the end of Secret Invasion, do we have a resolution or a payoff for five years of mediocre to shitty comics? Yes. Another universe-changing upcoming summer blockbuster crossover miniseries.
Le sigh.
The end result of Secret Invasion is the death of the Wasp for no apparent reason than to have a death (since it wouldn't be universe-changing if someone didn't die). We have Norman Osborn in charge of the successor to S.H.I.E.L.D. because he managed to get a lucky headshot on the Skrull Queen. And he is leading a secret cabal of super-villains from Avengers Mansion, which includes Emma Frost (more on that in a moment). He couldn't write this in the Avengers' comic? Probably not, since he spent the last year of Avengers' stories in two series revealing prequel chapters to the Secret Invasion that featured everyone but the Avengers. Really, there haven't been actual Avengers in either comic for what seems like six months. Rather than tell those stories in the Invasion series, he shits up the Avengers books with stories that could have been told in two sentence exposition during the series.
As for Emma Frost's inclusion in Norman Osborn's secret cabal, it makes so little sense that I wonder if Bendis has been reading the current X-Men books. While Frost certainly began as a villain who might have fit in with such luminaries as Doctor Doom, it has been many years since the character would have taken Osborn's offer as anything other than an excuse to kick the Green Goblin's ass. While the X-Men's position has been one of leaving the non-mutant heroes to take care of their own affairs, there is no way this attitude would be the same thing as allowing Osborn to give all super-criminals a free pass for any crime they want to perpetrate. It also would not mean working with a megalomaniac like Doctor Doom.
To sum up, Bendis deserves the title of Raging Douchebag for almost singlehandedly fucking up the entire Marvel Universe with horrible plot lines stretched way beyond belief in shoehorned crossovers that touch every book like your creepy Uncle Pedobear. Characters all speak with the same voice, that of an urban douchebag who thinks himself much more hip than he actually is. Brian, go back to writing crime comics. You're much better at them than this. Fucking up one comic is bad enough, but fucking up an entire universe of branded characters? For that I name you the Raging Douchebag Nominee in the Comic Book Arts for 2008. From one comic book guy douchebag to another, thanks for pissing on the memories of my childhood heroes.
Labels: Comics, Raging Douchebag Week
posted by Gary A. Ballard @ 3:46 PM
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