Raging Douchebag Week: Day 1
Posted on
Monday, December 29, 2008
by Gary A. Ballard
As the year comes to a stuttering, maddening close, as the presents are all unwrapped, the post-holiday binge still felt somewhere in the deepest recesses of our bellies, we can look back upon the past year with a critical eye. We can look back over the vast array of public douchebaggery that has facefucked us into the enraged stupor that only a year-end countdown can engender, and we can say with certainty that there are five individuals whose douchebaggery has transcended the everyday cockmunchery of the typical douchebag. We can definitively state that these five individuals have achieved the status of Raging Douchebag, a title we reserve for only the most irritatingly douchey, the douchiest of the douches as it were. Day 1's Raging Douchebag comes from the world of comic books. His output not just over the last year but really for the last five years has earned him the title of Raging Douchebag. That douche is Brian Michael Bendis.
Just look at him. This douche doesn't just act like a douche, he truly looks like a douche. That is the face only a fellow douchebag like myself could love. Or hate, as the case may be. Brian Michael Bendis is a writer of comic books, and up until about five years ago, he was a writer whose work I respected. His independent black and white comics Jinx, Torso and AKA Goldfish were major accomplishments in crime comics, hip, noirish mysteries with crackling dialogue and moody artwork provided by the author himself. Even his first work for the mainstream publisher Marvel was well-done. His run on Daredevil started with a bang and built to a crescendo with his unmasking of the titular character, work that could stand up alongside some of the better interpretations of that character by such industry favorites as Frank Miller, Dennis O'Neill and Kevin Smith. Though the run on Daredevil ended on a bit of a low note, I still hold the early work with the character, who happens to be one of my favorite superhero characters, in high regard.
And then last year's comic Raging Douchebag, Joe Quesada, gave Bendis a shot at revitalizing the flagship superhero team book, Avengers. From that moment forward, Bendis' descent into Raging Douchebaggery was assured.
It all began with Avengers Disassembled, the over-hyped reboot story that kicked off Bendis' run. According to Bendis, he had the first inklings of what would become this year's mega-shit-stain-crossover, Secret Invasion, while writing this story. If true, that would mean his douchebaggery has been mapped out and followed as if it were a prophecy from Ancient Douchebags.
Over the intervening years, we've been treated to Wolverine being featured in more Marvel books than entire roster of Avengers throughout history combined, uber-techno fascist Tony Stark outing superheroes' secret identities, the mutant population reduced to a handful, two Avengers books with shaky rosters, an invasion by aliens led by the fucking Hulk and finally a Skrull Invasion that swallowed whole the entire universe of Marvel books. We're literally talking about hundreds of Marvel books that he has either written, or had some say in directing based on their enforced crossover with his yearly universe-changing series. While he was not responsible in the main for 2007's Civil War, including the death of Captain America, he most certainly was a key voice in the planning of said event. Every major event in Marvel Comics since Disassembled has had his taint, all supposedly leading towards the events of Secret Invasion.
And at the end of Secret Invasion, do we have a resolution or a payoff for five years of mediocre to shitty comics? Yes. Another universe-changing upcoming summer blockbuster crossover miniseries.
Le sigh.
The end result of Secret Invasion is the death of the Wasp for no apparent reason than to have a death (since it wouldn't be universe-changing if someone didn't die). We have Norman Osborn in charge of the successor to S.H.I.E.L.D. because he managed to get a lucky headshot on the Skrull Queen. And he is leading a secret cabal of super-villains from Avengers Mansion, which includes Emma Frost (more on that in a moment). He couldn't write this in the Avengers' comic? Probably not, since he spent the last year of Avengers' stories in two series revealing prequel chapters to the Secret Invasion that featured everyone but the Avengers. Really, there haven't been actual Avengers in either comic for what seems like six months. Rather than tell those stories in the Invasion series, he shits up the Avengers books with stories that could have been told in two sentence exposition during the series.
As for Emma Frost's inclusion in Norman Osborn's secret cabal, it makes so little sense that I wonder if Bendis has been reading the current X-Men books. While Frost certainly began as a villain who might have fit in with such luminaries as Doctor Doom, it has been many years since the character would have taken Osborn's offer as anything other than an excuse to kick the Green Goblin's ass. While the X-Men's position has been one of leaving the non-mutant heroes to take care of their own affairs, there is no way this attitude would be the same thing as allowing Osborn to give all super-criminals a free pass for any crime they want to perpetrate. It also would not mean working with a megalomaniac like Doctor Doom.
To sum up, Bendis deserves the title of Raging Douchebag for almost singlehandedly fucking up the entire Marvel Universe with horrible plot lines stretched way beyond belief in shoehorned crossovers that touch every book like your creepy Uncle Pedobear. Characters all speak with the same voice, that of an urban douchebag who thinks himself much more hip than he actually is. Brian, go back to writing crime comics. You're much better at them than this. Fucking up one comic is bad enough, but fucking up an entire universe of branded characters? For that I name you the Raging Douchebag Nominee in the Comic Book Arts for 2008. From one comic book guy douchebag to another, thanks for pissing on the memories of my childhood heroes.
Just look at him. This douche doesn't just act like a douche, he truly looks like a douche. That is the face only a fellow douchebag like myself could love. Or hate, as the case may be. Brian Michael Bendis is a writer of comic books, and up until about five years ago, he was a writer whose work I respected. His independent black and white comics Jinx, Torso and AKA Goldfish were major accomplishments in crime comics, hip, noirish mysteries with crackling dialogue and moody artwork provided by the author himself. Even his first work for the mainstream publisher Marvel was well-done. His run on Daredevil started with a bang and built to a crescendo with his unmasking of the titular character, work that could stand up alongside some of the better interpretations of that character by such industry favorites as Frank Miller, Dennis O'Neill and Kevin Smith. Though the run on Daredevil ended on a bit of a low note, I still hold the early work with the character, who happens to be one of my favorite superhero characters, in high regard. And then last year's comic Raging Douchebag, Joe Quesada, gave Bendis a shot at revitalizing the flagship superhero team book, Avengers. From that moment forward, Bendis' descent into Raging Douchebaggery was assured.
It all began with Avengers Disassembled, the over-hyped reboot story that kicked off Bendis' run. According to Bendis, he had the first inklings of what would become this year's mega-shit-stain-crossover, Secret Invasion, while writing this story. If true, that would mean his douchebaggery has been mapped out and followed as if it were a prophecy from Ancient Douchebags.
Over the intervening years, we've been treated to Wolverine being featured in more Marvel books than entire roster of Avengers throughout history combined, uber-techno fascist Tony Stark outing superheroes' secret identities, the mutant population reduced to a handful, two Avengers books with shaky rosters, an invasion by aliens led by the fucking Hulk and finally a Skrull Invasion that swallowed whole the entire universe of Marvel books. We're literally talking about hundreds of Marvel books that he has either written, or had some say in directing based on their enforced crossover with his yearly universe-changing series. While he was not responsible in the main for 2007's Civil War, including the death of Captain America, he most certainly was a key voice in the planning of said event. Every major event in Marvel Comics since Disassembled has had his taint, all supposedly leading towards the events of Secret Invasion.
And at the end of Secret Invasion, do we have a resolution or a payoff for five years of mediocre to shitty comics? Yes. Another universe-changing upcoming summer blockbuster crossover miniseries.
Le sigh.
The end result of Secret Invasion is the death of the Wasp for no apparent reason than to have a death (since it wouldn't be universe-changing if someone didn't die). We have Norman Osborn in charge of the successor to S.H.I.E.L.D. because he managed to get a lucky headshot on the Skrull Queen. And he is leading a secret cabal of super-villains from Avengers Mansion, which includes Emma Frost (more on that in a moment). He couldn't write this in the Avengers' comic? Probably not, since he spent the last year of Avengers' stories in two series revealing prequel chapters to the Secret Invasion that featured everyone but the Avengers. Really, there haven't been actual Avengers in either comic for what seems like six months. Rather than tell those stories in the Invasion series, he shits up the Avengers books with stories that could have been told in two sentence exposition during the series.
As for Emma Frost's inclusion in Norman Osborn's secret cabal, it makes so little sense that I wonder if Bendis has been reading the current X-Men books. While Frost certainly began as a villain who might have fit in with such luminaries as Doctor Doom, it has been many years since the character would have taken Osborn's offer as anything other than an excuse to kick the Green Goblin's ass. While the X-Men's position has been one of leaving the non-mutant heroes to take care of their own affairs, there is no way this attitude would be the same thing as allowing Osborn to give all super-criminals a free pass for any crime they want to perpetrate. It also would not mean working with a megalomaniac like Doctor Doom.
To sum up, Bendis deserves the title of Raging Douchebag for almost singlehandedly fucking up the entire Marvel Universe with horrible plot lines stretched way beyond belief in shoehorned crossovers that touch every book like your creepy Uncle Pedobear. Characters all speak with the same voice, that of an urban douchebag who thinks himself much more hip than he actually is. Brian, go back to writing crime comics. You're much better at them than this. Fucking up one comic is bad enough, but fucking up an entire universe of branded characters? For that I name you the Raging Douchebag Nominee in the Comic Book Arts for 2008. From one comic book guy douchebag to another, thanks for pissing on the memories of my childhood heroes.
Labels: Comics, Raging Douchebag Week
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Spider-Man 3 and the Problem with Comic Book Movie Sequels
Posted on
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
by Gary A. Ballard
Comic books have been a part of my life since my first copy of some Batman comic my mom bought me back in the '70's for a dime. Yes, I am that old and comics used to cost about the same as a piece of bubble gum. You can still get bubble gum for that price, but now you can't get one page from a comic for 10 cents, and the beloved and treasured characters from my four-color days of yore are now gracing the movie screens in multi-million dollar productions. The trend for comic book movies has cooled in recent years, as both Marvel and DC have saturated the market with complete cockups like Ghost Rider and The Punisher and moderate cockups like Superman Returns. The first two Spider-Man movies directed by Sam Raimi were fantastic successes, both creatively and financially, and despite the inclusion of Venom, one of the worst Spider-Man villains ever created, I had high hopes for the third installment. Unfortunately, Spider-Man 3 highlighted a very significant problem with comic book movie sequels. The problem is that namely, Hollywood never knows when to quit.
Spider-Man 3 was a long movie, almost two and a half hours long in fact (139 minutes). While I initially applauded Hollywood's embrace of longer running times due to the success of epics like Lord of the Rings, that success has gone to its collective head. Directors are allowed to go past two hours now, whether the movie actually calls for it or not. M. Night Shamalamadingdong is one of the worst offenders of this principle, dragging movies like Lady in the Water out into excruciating cures of insomnia. Spider-Man 3 needed every minute of that 139 minutes, and about two more hours beyond that. The movie was so crammed full of plots and subplots and new characters that they easily could have made three really good, 90-minute movies. Instead, five different plots are wedged into the movie like smelly hippies in a VW van at Burning Man. Nothing is given room to breathe, no characters are allowed enough time for more than a cursory amount of development, and all catharsis is finally drained because things happen just to get them in within the running time without any rhyme or reason.
WARNING: There will be spoilers below this point. If you haven't seen the movie or had the plot spoiled for you, go read one of my other articles.
The movie has plot threads on top of plot threads. Peter Parker has decided he wants to ask Mary Jane Watson to marry him. Mary Jane is starring on Broadway, but is soon fired for being mediocre. Why she's fired after one mediocre review isn't made clear, because that would take a few minutes of exposition and the movie doesn't have time for that. Harry Osborn, Jr., son of the Green Goblin from the original movie, attacks Peter using upgrades on his dad's gear (and thankfully without the inexpressive statue mask from the first movie) to enact revenge on Spider-Man. In the ensuing battle, Harry gets gobsmacked by a pipe and forgets most of the last few movies, including Spider-Man's identity and the circumstances of his father's death, turning him into a coherent Forrest Gump. Cain Marko, some small-time crook with bad taste in striped shirts is chased by police and turned into a sentient pile of sand, a power he uses as the Sandman to steal money to help his sick kid. Eddie Brock, a lying, over-cologned douchebag of a photographer, is trying to steal Peter's job at the Daily Bugle. An unexplained meteor crashes to earth, oozing a dark, oily, living substance onto Peter's scooter; it's later discovered to be a living being that wants to attach itself to a host like a parasite. Peter meets hot blonde and vacuous lump Gwen Stacy, who is somehow a ditzy model but also in Peter's class in physics. Finally, Peter is being a completely self-absorbed douchebag because Spider-Man is being lauded by the citizens of New York and most of the papers not named Daily Bugle.
That's the first 30 minutes of the movie in a nutshell. The plot only gets worse from there.
Peter becomes even more of a douche, ignoring Mary Jane and blathering about Spider-Man, kissing Gwen Stacy in public as Spider-Man even though he KNOWS his girlfriend is standing in the audience watching. The symbiote bonds with Peter, making a black costume and turning Peter into a floppy-haired emo goth douche that disco-dances in the middle of the goddamned street. I only wish I was kidding about the dancing part. Sam Raimi must have a secret desire to make a musical, because there are at least two dance scenes in this movie, both laughably out of place. Forrest Osborn gets his memory back and forces Mary Jane to ditch Peter. Somewhere in this mess, Emo Douche Peter tries to make MJ jealous and ends up bitchslapping her, driving him to realize the black suit is like, bad, mmmkay? Meanwhile, Eddie Brock steals Peter's job at the Bugle, then gets exposed as a plagiarizer, and when Peter finally rids himself of the black suit symbiote, it latches onto Brock and becomes Venom. But during all that, Black Spidey kills the Sandman by turning him into mud. Emo Douche Peter and Not-Forrest Harry fight, the result being that Harry gets a pumpkin bomb to the face, leaving him scarred even though we've been shown that the Goblin Gas which gives him his powers heals him incredibly quickly. Venom then convinces Sandman that Spider-Man is keeping the Sandman from getting the money to save the sick kid. Now, if the symbiote had all of Spider-Man's memories, he still wouldn't know anything about Cain Marko's sick kid, because I'm not sure that was ever revealed to Peter. Regardless, Venom and Sandman team up to kidnap Mary Jane, luring Spider-Man to a battle royale at a construction site. Not-Goblin Harry joins Peter, they save the girl, kill Venom, let the Sandman go because he tells a sob story and get Not-Invincible Harry killed. Peter and Mary Jane make up at the end, despite his Emo Douche Persona having participated in a bit of "Smack My Bitch Up."
If the preceding paragraphs sounded like a complete cluster fuck, that's the best I can do to make sense of all the plot threads in the movie. The first rule of comic book sequels is that there must be more: more villains, more blowups, more plots and more danger. By the third episode in the series, the combined continuity is more oppressive than most comic books. No one in Hollywood has ever heard of the overkill that was Two-Face and the Riddler in Batman Forever, or the still-twitching abortion that was Mr. Freeze, Bane and Poison Ivy in Batman and Robin. I'm not completely against adding more villains in comic sequels. Most movie-worthy comic franchises have a wealth of great villains to choose from. But the accepted practice seems to be that if more than one villain is included in a sequel, all the villains must tie together, must be connected somehow no matter how illogical. Cain Marko is made to be Uncle Ben's killer from the first movie, in a ham-fisted flashback sequence that makes little sense in light of the first movie. Sandman teams up with Venom to kill Spider-Man, even though it will do nothing to help his dying daughter. Dealing with multiple villains in a superhero comic movie could be handled as separate incidents in the life of a superhero, since that is the format for the monthly comics. What's wrong with Spider-Man defeating Sandman, then having a climactic battle with Venom at the end with no crossover? Or better yet, just having one main villain per movie and shortening the running time?
Spider-Man 3 had all the ingredients for a great Spider-Man movie. Unfortunately, it had too many of those good elements, all of which merged into a confused stew of half-baked plot developments and unrealized potential. If they decide to continue the franchise, I hope that they choose to simplify. Spider-Man stories are about struggles with super-villains and the inequities of life. The ones who struggle shouldn't be the audience. Read more!
Spider-Man 3 was a long movie, almost two and a half hours long in fact (139 minutes). While I initially applauded Hollywood's embrace of longer running times due to the success of epics like Lord of the Rings, that success has gone to its collective head. Directors are allowed to go past two hours now, whether the movie actually calls for it or not. M. Night Shamalamadingdong is one of the worst offenders of this principle, dragging movies like Lady in the Water out into excruciating cures of insomnia. Spider-Man 3 needed every minute of that 139 minutes, and about two more hours beyond that. The movie was so crammed full of plots and subplots and new characters that they easily could have made three really good, 90-minute movies. Instead, five different plots are wedged into the movie like smelly hippies in a VW van at Burning Man. Nothing is given room to breathe, no characters are allowed enough time for more than a cursory amount of development, and all catharsis is finally drained because things happen just to get them in within the running time without any rhyme or reason.
WARNING: There will be spoilers below this point. If you haven't seen the movie or had the plot spoiled for you, go read one of my other articles.
The movie has plot threads on top of plot threads. Peter Parker has decided he wants to ask Mary Jane Watson to marry him. Mary Jane is starring on Broadway, but is soon fired for being mediocre. Why she's fired after one mediocre review isn't made clear, because that would take a few minutes of exposition and the movie doesn't have time for that. Harry Osborn, Jr., son of the Green Goblin from the original movie, attacks Peter using upgrades on his dad's gear (and thankfully without the inexpressive statue mask from the first movie) to enact revenge on Spider-Man. In the ensuing battle, Harry gets gobsmacked by a pipe and forgets most of the last few movies, including Spider-Man's identity and the circumstances of his father's death, turning him into a coherent Forrest Gump. Cain Marko, some small-time crook with bad taste in striped shirts is chased by police and turned into a sentient pile of sand, a power he uses as the Sandman to steal money to help his sick kid. Eddie Brock, a lying, over-cologned douchebag of a photographer, is trying to steal Peter's job at the Daily Bugle. An unexplained meteor crashes to earth, oozing a dark, oily, living substance onto Peter's scooter; it's later discovered to be a living being that wants to attach itself to a host like a parasite. Peter meets hot blonde and vacuous lump Gwen Stacy, who is somehow a ditzy model but also in Peter's class in physics. Finally, Peter is being a completely self-absorbed douchebag because Spider-Man is being lauded by the citizens of New York and most of the papers not named Daily Bugle.
That's the first 30 minutes of the movie in a nutshell. The plot only gets worse from there.
Peter becomes even more of a douche, ignoring Mary Jane and blathering about Spider-Man, kissing Gwen Stacy in public as Spider-Man even though he KNOWS his girlfriend is standing in the audience watching. The symbiote bonds with Peter, making a black costume and turning Peter into a floppy-haired emo goth douche that disco-dances in the middle of the goddamned street. I only wish I was kidding about the dancing part. Sam Raimi must have a secret desire to make a musical, because there are at least two dance scenes in this movie, both laughably out of place. Forrest Osborn gets his memory back and forces Mary Jane to ditch Peter. Somewhere in this mess, Emo Douche Peter tries to make MJ jealous and ends up bitchslapping her, driving him to realize the black suit is like, bad, mmmkay? Meanwhile, Eddie Brock steals Peter's job at the Bugle, then gets exposed as a plagiarizer, and when Peter finally rids himself of the black suit symbiote, it latches onto Brock and becomes Venom. But during all that, Black Spidey kills the Sandman by turning him into mud. Emo Douche Peter and Not-Forrest Harry fight, the result being that Harry gets a pumpkin bomb to the face, leaving him scarred even though we've been shown that the Goblin Gas which gives him his powers heals him incredibly quickly. Venom then convinces Sandman that Spider-Man is keeping the Sandman from getting the money to save the sick kid. Now, if the symbiote had all of Spider-Man's memories, he still wouldn't know anything about Cain Marko's sick kid, because I'm not sure that was ever revealed to Peter. Regardless, Venom and Sandman team up to kidnap Mary Jane, luring Spider-Man to a battle royale at a construction site. Not-Goblin Harry joins Peter, they save the girl, kill Venom, let the Sandman go because he tells a sob story and get Not-Invincible Harry killed. Peter and Mary Jane make up at the end, despite his Emo Douche Persona having participated in a bit of "Smack My Bitch Up."
If the preceding paragraphs sounded like a complete cluster fuck, that's the best I can do to make sense of all the plot threads in the movie. The first rule of comic book sequels is that there must be more: more villains, more blowups, more plots and more danger. By the third episode in the series, the combined continuity is more oppressive than most comic books. No one in Hollywood has ever heard of the overkill that was Two-Face and the Riddler in Batman Forever, or the still-twitching abortion that was Mr. Freeze, Bane and Poison Ivy in Batman and Robin. I'm not completely against adding more villains in comic sequels. Most movie-worthy comic franchises have a wealth of great villains to choose from. But the accepted practice seems to be that if more than one villain is included in a sequel, all the villains must tie together, must be connected somehow no matter how illogical. Cain Marko is made to be Uncle Ben's killer from the first movie, in a ham-fisted flashback sequence that makes little sense in light of the first movie. Sandman teams up with Venom to kill Spider-Man, even though it will do nothing to help his dying daughter. Dealing with multiple villains in a superhero comic movie could be handled as separate incidents in the life of a superhero, since that is the format for the monthly comics. What's wrong with Spider-Man defeating Sandman, then having a climactic battle with Venom at the end with no crossover? Or better yet, just having one main villain per movie and shortening the running time?
Spider-Man 3 had all the ingredients for a great Spider-Man movie. Unfortunately, it had too many of those good elements, all of which merged into a confused stew of half-baked plot developments and unrealized potential. If they decide to continue the franchise, I hope that they choose to simplify. Spider-Man stories are about struggles with super-villains and the inequities of life. The ones who struggle shouldn't be the audience. Read more!
posted by Gary A. Ballard @ 10:47 AM
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Raging Douchebag Week: Day 3
Posted on
Monday, April 23, 2007
by Gary A. Ballard
Day 3 of Raging Douchebag Week is here, and today's nomination is one near and dear to my heart. Today's nomination comes from the world of comic books, the funny papers. The 10-cent newsprint joys of my childhood which inspired me to be both a writer and an artist have long since become the computer-colored, overpriced epic crossover mass market merchandising brands of the present day. And yet, despite all that's wrong with the comics industry, and there is plenty, I still love the funny books. But today's nomination has for years steered the listing ship of the comics industry directly into the rocks, and it's earned him the title of Raging Douchebag.
Joe Quesada has served as Marvel Comics Editor-in-Chief for years now, and during the first few years of his tenure, Marvel's quality improved for the most part. Perhaps it was the steadying influence of fellow douchebag Bill Jemas that kept the ship on a reasonable course. It may be that his initial bad tendencies were tempered by higher powers at Marvel unsure of his more ambitious ideas. Perhaps his successes, marked by increased sales and critical acclaim for stories such as Grant Morrison's X-Men run allowed him a freer hand at the helm. Whatever the reasons, it's become clear in the last year especially that while Joe Q. may know exactly what he's doing, what's he's doing is a complete fucking travesty.
The downfall started with Avengers Disassembled. It was certainly a bold idea, tearing down the company's flagship super-hero team, but such stories had been successful before. With Brian Michael Bendis writing the piece, it was sure to sell. But in a move that has since become suspiciously familiar, the ending was a full-blown nightmare. The entire story had the air of heavy-handed editorial about it, as if the concept and outcome were dreamed up by an editor who then left the details to a befuddled writer to sort out. This was followed by the relaunch of the Avengers title under Bendis' hand, and again, the entire concept seemed to stink of sales over story. The roster was made up of the company's most popular characters, despite two of those characters, Spider-Man and Wolverine, being so absolutely unsuited for a team book, especially one with the fictional stature of the Avengers. It's been a painful few years for this old fan of the Avengers to watch, as Bendis shoehorned his dialogue into characters' mouths with the finesse of an epileptic water buffalo on crystal meth.
But as the Distinguished Competition's Identity Crisis blockbuster/gimmick series became a hit, it necessitated a response from the Joe Q. school of comic sales. It was time for big event crossovers that changed the whole universe, and House of M was born. Born is too strong a word, of course: aborted is more like it. This shambling fetal puddle was a rambling paint-by-numbers affair bleeding directly out of Disassembled. At the end, the implausible villain of Disassembled, The Scarlet Witch, creates an even more implausible setup for the next year of Marvel's line, removing the mutant powers from all but 198 of the universe's mutants. This was ironic in that Alanis Morrisette way, because the Witch WAS a mutant. The next year of moping mutant-less idiocy limped along, turning established characters like Quicksilver into mutant-crystal junky evil mastermind douchebags and rendering most of the X-titles eye-gougingly boring.
But his greatest feat of comics douchebaggery was the Civil War mini-series that was just concluded. The series and its absolute assload of crossovers, one-shots, and tangent books had an interesting premise, ruined by a writer who was uninterested in exploring the political ramifications of its premise. Mark Millar, normally a fantastic writer, went through the motions with a story that seemed mapped out by editorial with no regard to common sense or continuity. Multiple books contradicted each other, and roughly all of the characters acted against type as established by decades of appearances.
Civil War left two lasting impressions which highlight the real reasons behind the series. Both were engineered to provoke maximum outrage in comics fandom, and both were perfect ways to attract attention to the story from the mainstream media. The first was the unmasking of Spider-Man, a truly unlikely event given all we know about the character. All it took was Tony Stark acting like Peter Parker's daddy and the mask came off. If Spider-Man were that easily led, it's a good thing he never pledged a fraternity. Wall-crawling is hard to do with a load of bing cherries shoved up one's keester. Joe Q. really hit the home run out of the douchebag park with the fate of Captain America, however. For those who haven't read the news, Mr. Quesada killed Captain America. Yes, symbol of American Liberty, champion for the everyman, the heart of a nation and hero of World War II and the Kree-Skrull War, that Captain America. And as if that wasn't enough, he's made sure we understand that Cap is dead with a five-part mini series called Fallen Son. That's right, five entire issues, each dedicated to one Marvel character's reaction to learning that Captain America really is dead.
And yes, the first issue with Wolverine is really as bad as it sounds.
Hey Joe, I know comic sales are a pale shadow of what they were in the early '90's before the Image crowd and speculator douchebags killed the market with a bazillion variant and gimmick covers. I realize making movie deals and selling the characters as brands is the only way Marvel Comics could survive some of the lean years. But flooding the market with tons of shitty titles, and pulling off shock deaths of established characters as ploys to attract media attention is not the way to do it. Either your writers are really really bad and can't come up with good stories without shock value and inane mysteries (WHO IS THIS RONIN!!! DUH DUH DUHHHHH!!!), or you need to stop coming up with ideas for your writers to fill in the details. Someone's ideas stink and since you have been the front man for most of the media attention, you get the blame.
That's why Raging Douchebag #3 is Joe Quesada, the man who killed Captain America. You did what Hitler never could. I only hope you unfuck the story before its too late. Maybe The Scarlet Witch can come along and undo the whole thing, if she can unmount the not-dead alternate reality version of Hawkeye long enough to say "No More Shitty Stories."
Joe Quesada has served as Marvel Comics Editor-in-Chief for years now, and during the first few years of his tenure, Marvel's quality improved for the most part. Perhaps it was the steadying influence of fellow douchebag Bill Jemas that kept the ship on a reasonable course. It may be that his initial bad tendencies were tempered by higher powers at Marvel unsure of his more ambitious ideas. Perhaps his successes, marked by increased sales and critical acclaim for stories such as Grant Morrison's X-Men run allowed him a freer hand at the helm. Whatever the reasons, it's become clear in the last year especially that while Joe Q. may know exactly what he's doing, what's he's doing is a complete fucking travesty.The downfall started with Avengers Disassembled. It was certainly a bold idea, tearing down the company's flagship super-hero team, but such stories had been successful before. With Brian Michael Bendis writing the piece, it was sure to sell. But in a move that has since become suspiciously familiar, the ending was a full-blown nightmare. The entire story had the air of heavy-handed editorial about it, as if the concept and outcome were dreamed up by an editor who then left the details to a befuddled writer to sort out. This was followed by the relaunch of the Avengers title under Bendis' hand, and again, the entire concept seemed to stink of sales over story. The roster was made up of the company's most popular characters, despite two of those characters, Spider-Man and Wolverine, being so absolutely unsuited for a team book, especially one with the fictional stature of the Avengers. It's been a painful few years for this old fan of the Avengers to watch, as Bendis shoehorned his dialogue into characters' mouths with the finesse of an epileptic water buffalo on crystal meth.
But as the Distinguished Competition's Identity Crisis blockbuster/gimmick series became a hit, it necessitated a response from the Joe Q. school of comic sales. It was time for big event crossovers that changed the whole universe, and House of M was born. Born is too strong a word, of course: aborted is more like it. This shambling fetal puddle was a rambling paint-by-numbers affair bleeding directly out of Disassembled. At the end, the implausible villain of Disassembled, The Scarlet Witch, creates an even more implausible setup for the next year of Marvel's line, removing the mutant powers from all but 198 of the universe's mutants. This was ironic in that Alanis Morrisette way, because the Witch WAS a mutant. The next year of moping mutant-less idiocy limped along, turning established characters like Quicksilver into mutant-crystal junky evil mastermind douchebags and rendering most of the X-titles eye-gougingly boring.
But his greatest feat of comics douchebaggery was the Civil War mini-series that was just concluded. The series and its absolute assload of crossovers, one-shots, and tangent books had an interesting premise, ruined by a writer who was uninterested in exploring the political ramifications of its premise. Mark Millar, normally a fantastic writer, went through the motions with a story that seemed mapped out by editorial with no regard to common sense or continuity. Multiple books contradicted each other, and roughly all of the characters acted against type as established by decades of appearances.
Civil War left two lasting impressions which highlight the real reasons behind the series. Both were engineered to provoke maximum outrage in comics fandom, and both were perfect ways to attract attention to the story from the mainstream media. The first was the unmasking of Spider-Man, a truly unlikely event given all we know about the character. All it took was Tony Stark acting like Peter Parker's daddy and the mask came off. If Spider-Man were that easily led, it's a good thing he never pledged a fraternity. Wall-crawling is hard to do with a load of bing cherries shoved up one's keester. Joe Q. really hit the home run out of the douchebag park with the fate of Captain America, however. For those who haven't read the news, Mr. Quesada killed Captain America. Yes, symbol of American Liberty, champion for the everyman, the heart of a nation and hero of World War II and the Kree-Skrull War, that Captain America. And as if that wasn't enough, he's made sure we understand that Cap is dead with a five-part mini series called Fallen Son. That's right, five entire issues, each dedicated to one Marvel character's reaction to learning that Captain America really is dead.
And yes, the first issue with Wolverine is really as bad as it sounds.
Hey Joe, I know comic sales are a pale shadow of what they were in the early '90's before the Image crowd and speculator douchebags killed the market with a bazillion variant and gimmick covers. I realize making movie deals and selling the characters as brands is the only way Marvel Comics could survive some of the lean years. But flooding the market with tons of shitty titles, and pulling off shock deaths of established characters as ploys to attract media attention is not the way to do it. Either your writers are really really bad and can't come up with good stories without shock value and inane mysteries (WHO IS THIS RONIN!!! DUH DUH DUHHHHH!!!), or you need to stop coming up with ideas for your writers to fill in the details. Someone's ideas stink and since you have been the front man for most of the media attention, you get the blame.
That's why Raging Douchebag #3 is Joe Quesada, the man who killed Captain America. You did what Hitler never could. I only hope you unfuck the story before its too late. Maybe The Scarlet Witch can come along and undo the whole thing, if she can unmount the not-dead alternate reality version of Hawkeye long enough to say "No More Shitty Stories."
Labels: Comics, Raging Douchebag Week
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An Uncivil Mess
Posted on
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
by Gary A. Ballard
Hear now the wails of a long-suffering comics fan. Comic books are the wellspring of my writing, the very fountainhead of most of my creative inspiration. Since I was six years old, and was given a Batman comic by my parents, I've been enraptured by the serial comic narratives. I've written my own unpublished comics, and I've read comics all through the decades since that first comic. When I see a comic narrative like the latest Marvel gimmick event Civil War come so horribly unglued as it has, I feel a duty as a font of Marvel Comics trivia to speak up. Civil War #6 and Civil War Frontline #10 together represent a depth in comics that hasn't been plumbed since the invention of the gimmick foil cover.
For a few years, at least since the beginning of Avengers Disassembled (the point at which everything started to go wrong in Marvel land narratively speaking), continuity has taken a back seat to everything else, especially if everything else boosts sales. I don't just mean the typical definition of comics continuity, which involves pedantic twaddling over the merest of minutiae of a character's costumes, or the fruitless trivia over what issue Captain America first fought Doctor Faustus. No, Marvel's biggest problem was that well-established characters were not even being consistent with themselves.
The Scarlet Witch becomes this universe-altering schizophrenic with no qualms about murdering her husband, friends and Hawkeye. Then Quicksilver makes her create an entire other world in House of M where mutants rule. In the wake of that event, Quicksilver suddenly becomes a child-kidnapping lunatic who steals the birthright of another race and begins handing it out like candy to former mutants. Even in his long-past evil mutant days, Quicksilver just isn't that type of guy, no matter how arrogant an ass he can be. In fact, over many years, he's rebelled against that type of attitude, the attitude of his father, Magneto. And now in Civil War, we are being told that Tony Stark is really just a fascist in playboy's clothing. According to both these books, there is some secret Stark is hiding which explains it all and it's so simple, no one can believe they didn't see it before.
Now, I'm well-versed in the kinds of secrets comic book heroes have which lead to their actions taking so drastic a turn as this. They usually involve some form of mind control, whether it be from alien parasite, Skrull body snatching, telepathic domination or if we are to believe the Scarlet Witch's reversal, going batshit insane over offhanded comments around the pool. What is unfortunate for Marvel and the writer Mark Millar, to use any of those explanations would cheapen the massive negative impact that Civil War has had. And if we are then told that Stark's done all these things to make more money, that rather pedestrian explanation would seem even more ridiculous in the Marvel universe than the more science-fictiony super-hero MacGuffins mentioned above.
What makes Civil War worse is the ham-fisted parallels to current headlines. I can't help but draw correlations between Stark and the Cheney/Haliburton duo of no-bid contracts for Iraq. The Negative Zone prison and its permanent/not permanent status is entirely too obvious a reference to Guantanamo Bay and its illegal military tribunals. And if I never hear a super-hero being referred to as a "person/weapon of mass destruction" again, it'll be too soon. Political commentary in comics or any literature works best when its subtle. These attempts are not subtle.
But all that could be forgiven if the story was worth reading. But it isn't. The characters not only do not act consistent from book to book, they don't even act like they have for 40-something years. Captain America works with the Punisher. Iron Man sends known mass murderers like Venom to attack former allies. Reed Richards makes clones out of a fucking Thunder God's DNA, then when said Thorbot kills one of Reed's friends, Reed just tinkers with Thorbot's head and sends him out again. Reed and Pym create super-heroes from scratch. These actions might be acceptable in a "What If?" story, but here they just feel forced.
The artwork for the main Civil War book is quite pretty, but it symbolizes something that's been bugging me about comics. I gather that the artist chose to use a rectangular shape to most of the panels to evoke the feeling of watching a widescreen movie. While this might give the comic a more cinematic feel, it also minimizes the amount of acceptable dialogue that can fit on the page. What little dialogue there is squeezed, and all issues of the book feel lightweight, as if they were written on two-pages of plain white paper. In short, the plots feel like editorial memos with dialogue attached, customized to fit within the confines of a graphic novel. Perhaps that sells better in bookstores but for monthly comics, I feel short-changed. When comics cost $3, I feel positively violated. Marvel is not alone in this practice, but to pay those prices for what is a narrative inhalation is galling.
Perhaps this story can be wrapped up satisfactorily. But given that plans have been announced for new books, including a Defenders book masquerading as a New Avengers book, all of which will take their queues from Civil War, I don't think the series will wrap up with any sort of finality. No, we'll be stuck with another disappointing Bendis-who-is-the-mystery-hero-in-Ronin's-costume graphic novel, and a whole lot of narrative dead ends. I hope the sales are good, because Marvel's brands have been ruined by this whole cycle.
For a few years, at least since the beginning of Avengers Disassembled (the point at which everything started to go wrong in Marvel land narratively speaking), continuity has taken a back seat to everything else, especially if everything else boosts sales. I don't just mean the typical definition of comics continuity, which involves pedantic twaddling over the merest of minutiae of a character's costumes, or the fruitless trivia over what issue Captain America first fought Doctor Faustus. No, Marvel's biggest problem was that well-established characters were not even being consistent with themselves.
The Scarlet Witch becomes this universe-altering schizophrenic with no qualms about murdering her husband, friends and Hawkeye. Then Quicksilver makes her create an entire other world in House of M where mutants rule. In the wake of that event, Quicksilver suddenly becomes a child-kidnapping lunatic who steals the birthright of another race and begins handing it out like candy to former mutants. Even in his long-past evil mutant days, Quicksilver just isn't that type of guy, no matter how arrogant an ass he can be. In fact, over many years, he's rebelled against that type of attitude, the attitude of his father, Magneto. And now in Civil War, we are being told that Tony Stark is really just a fascist in playboy's clothing. According to both these books, there is some secret Stark is hiding which explains it all and it's so simple, no one can believe they didn't see it before.
Now, I'm well-versed in the kinds of secrets comic book heroes have which lead to their actions taking so drastic a turn as this. They usually involve some form of mind control, whether it be from alien parasite, Skrull body snatching, telepathic domination or if we are to believe the Scarlet Witch's reversal, going batshit insane over offhanded comments around the pool. What is unfortunate for Marvel and the writer Mark Millar, to use any of those explanations would cheapen the massive negative impact that Civil War has had. And if we are then told that Stark's done all these things to make more money, that rather pedestrian explanation would seem even more ridiculous in the Marvel universe than the more science-fictiony super-hero MacGuffins mentioned above.
What makes Civil War worse is the ham-fisted parallels to current headlines. I can't help but draw correlations between Stark and the Cheney/Haliburton duo of no-bid contracts for Iraq. The Negative Zone prison and its permanent/not permanent status is entirely too obvious a reference to Guantanamo Bay and its illegal military tribunals. And if I never hear a super-hero being referred to as a "person/weapon of mass destruction" again, it'll be too soon. Political commentary in comics or any literature works best when its subtle. These attempts are not subtle.
But all that could be forgiven if the story was worth reading. But it isn't. The characters not only do not act consistent from book to book, they don't even act like they have for 40-something years. Captain America works with the Punisher. Iron Man sends known mass murderers like Venom to attack former allies. Reed Richards makes clones out of a fucking Thunder God's DNA, then when said Thorbot kills one of Reed's friends, Reed just tinkers with Thorbot's head and sends him out again. Reed and Pym create super-heroes from scratch. These actions might be acceptable in a "What If?" story, but here they just feel forced.
The artwork for the main Civil War book is quite pretty, but it symbolizes something that's been bugging me about comics. I gather that the artist chose to use a rectangular shape to most of the panels to evoke the feeling of watching a widescreen movie. While this might give the comic a more cinematic feel, it also minimizes the amount of acceptable dialogue that can fit on the page. What little dialogue there is squeezed, and all issues of the book feel lightweight, as if they were written on two-pages of plain white paper. In short, the plots feel like editorial memos with dialogue attached, customized to fit within the confines of a graphic novel. Perhaps that sells better in bookstores but for monthly comics, I feel short-changed. When comics cost $3, I feel positively violated. Marvel is not alone in this practice, but to pay those prices for what is a narrative inhalation is galling.
Perhaps this story can be wrapped up satisfactorily. But given that plans have been announced for new books, including a Defenders book masquerading as a New Avengers book, all of which will take their queues from Civil War, I don't think the series will wrap up with any sort of finality. No, we'll be stuck with another disappointing Bendis-who-is-the-mystery-hero-in-Ronin's-costume graphic novel, and a whole lot of narrative dead ends. I hope the sales are good, because Marvel's brands have been ruined by this whole cycle.
Labels: Comics, Literature
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posted by Gary A. Ballard @ 9:31 AM
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Ultimately Disappointing: Marvel Ultimate Alliance (Wii) Review
Posted on
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
by Gary A. Ballard
Some games should be a no-brainer, a game with all the right components in place to make for a perfect game, and yet despite all these components, the game is ultimately a disappointment. Such a game is Marvel Ultimate Alliance for the Nintendo Wii. Developed by Raven Software, MUA is a sequel of sorts to the popular X-Men Legends series of games. I enjoyed the first X-Men game a great deal, and as such was positive I would enjoy MUA even more. Unfortunately, Ultimate Alliance fell well short of my expectations in all the places I never expected it to.
Take the gameplay from the X-Men Legends games, add a roster of 20 playable Marvel characters including my favorite Daredevil, as well as other fan favorites like Captain America, Spider-Man, Ms. Marvel, Luke Cage and Moon Knight and wrap it around a Wiimote control scheme and you have a sure-fire hit, right? Yet, Ultimate Alliance doesn't seem to pay off any of the parts that made the X-Men series so good.
For one thing, the Wiimote control scheme, rather than being immersive and involving feels like a tacked-on afterthought. Just as PC gamers complain of their interfaces being dumbed-down by console ports, Wii users should be equally critical of cross-platform ports being shoehorned onto the Wii. The use of motion-sensing controls never feels natural, nor like anything other than pre-determined flailing substituting for button-mashing. In addition, the controls are not nearly as responsive as they need to be for the number of actions the player must perform during each battle. Each character has multiple normal attacks, as well as a growing array of special powers which must be used. On a normal console controller, each power is a button; on the Wii, special powers are performed by a particular type of motion performed while holding down the B trigger. But changing the special power being used requires toggling the C button while holding the B trigger and then performing the motion. Why when each power is a separate motion must the player toggle powers? In all, the control scheme seems rushed for a launch release and not well-thought out.
The graphics are a mixed bag. Powers, explosions and other particle effects are vibrant and colorful, but many of the background textures are so detailed that they fight with the action going on in the foreground. It's as if the developers took the same hi-res textures from the Hi-Def 360 versions and compressed them for standard resolutions without considering the visual effect. The character graphics and cinematics are well-done but often lost in the visual orgy of high-detail textures.
One of the hallmarks of the X-Men Legends series was a strong story with equally strong voice-acting. Ultimate Alliance has the voice acting, but the story is weak. Not only does the story ignore all Marvel continuity in order to bring together all the game's villains, it does so without even a word of explanation. It might be acceptable if the matchups weren't so bizzare. Early in the game, the Radioactive Man and the Winter Soldier are paired against the heroes, a pairing which could never happen. But aside from that Internet geek pedantry, the story's dialogue is awful. I don't mean it's normal comic book cheesy, I mean it borders on Dragonball Z-level idiocy. Having it spoke well just makes it more obvious. While Legends was cheesy, it never made me cringe like some of the dialogue in Ultimate Alliance.
The best part of the game is the character progression scheme. Each character has a ton of powers, gear and stats to keep track of and upgrade, and each has multiple costumes based on different Marvel comics publications. Each costume has its own set of character modifiers that can be purchased with coins that drop in the game. But unfortunately, the leveling scheme is driven by an MMOG-style grind through bland, uninspired levels of mob-whacking. The characters plow through tunnel after hallway after tunnel of bad guys that have very little to do with superhero stories and more to do with fantasy dungeon-hacking. The game's insistence on quick action button-mashing (or in this case, Wii-flapping) is ultimately a flaw, making the game feel less like a superhero adventure than a reskinned Dungeons and Dragons module. Were I to recreate the series, I'd go back to old school turn-based combat with less opponents and more tactical gameplay. That would be a different game, of course, but a better one.
In all, the game isn't terrible. It just doesn't live up to its predecessors. Not only does it not innovate on the old gameplay, it straps on a Wiimote control scheme without taking advantage of the Wii's strengths. I'd considered playing this on the X-Box for more natural controls, but the cheesy dialogue and bland level design has convinced me it wouldn't be worth the effort. On a five point scale, I'd give Marvel Ultimate Alliance a 2.5. My hope is that future cross-platform ports are given enough development time to really leverage the Wii's motion-sensing strengths rather than just take the place of button-mashing.
Take the gameplay from the X-Men Legends games, add a roster of 20 playable Marvel characters including my favorite Daredevil, as well as other fan favorites like Captain America, Spider-Man, Ms. Marvel, Luke Cage and Moon Knight and wrap it around a Wiimote control scheme and you have a sure-fire hit, right? Yet, Ultimate Alliance doesn't seem to pay off any of the parts that made the X-Men series so good.
For one thing, the Wiimote control scheme, rather than being immersive and involving feels like a tacked-on afterthought. Just as PC gamers complain of their interfaces being dumbed-down by console ports, Wii users should be equally critical of cross-platform ports being shoehorned onto the Wii. The use of motion-sensing controls never feels natural, nor like anything other than pre-determined flailing substituting for button-mashing. In addition, the controls are not nearly as responsive as they need to be for the number of actions the player must perform during each battle. Each character has multiple normal attacks, as well as a growing array of special powers which must be used. On a normal console controller, each power is a button; on the Wii, special powers are performed by a particular type of motion performed while holding down the B trigger. But changing the special power being used requires toggling the C button while holding the B trigger and then performing the motion. Why when each power is a separate motion must the player toggle powers? In all, the control scheme seems rushed for a launch release and not well-thought out.
The graphics are a mixed bag. Powers, explosions and other particle effects are vibrant and colorful, but many of the background textures are so detailed that they fight with the action going on in the foreground. It's as if the developers took the same hi-res textures from the Hi-Def 360 versions and compressed them for standard resolutions without considering the visual effect. The character graphics and cinematics are well-done but often lost in the visual orgy of high-detail textures.
One of the hallmarks of the X-Men Legends series was a strong story with equally strong voice-acting. Ultimate Alliance has the voice acting, but the story is weak. Not only does the story ignore all Marvel continuity in order to bring together all the game's villains, it does so without even a word of explanation. It might be acceptable if the matchups weren't so bizzare. Early in the game, the Radioactive Man and the Winter Soldier are paired against the heroes, a pairing which could never happen. But aside from that Internet geek pedantry, the story's dialogue is awful. I don't mean it's normal comic book cheesy, I mean it borders on Dragonball Z-level idiocy. Having it spoke well just makes it more obvious. While Legends was cheesy, it never made me cringe like some of the dialogue in Ultimate Alliance.
The best part of the game is the character progression scheme. Each character has a ton of powers, gear and stats to keep track of and upgrade, and each has multiple costumes based on different Marvel comics publications. Each costume has its own set of character modifiers that can be purchased with coins that drop in the game. But unfortunately, the leveling scheme is driven by an MMOG-style grind through bland, uninspired levels of mob-whacking. The characters plow through tunnel after hallway after tunnel of bad guys that have very little to do with superhero stories and more to do with fantasy dungeon-hacking. The game's insistence on quick action button-mashing (or in this case, Wii-flapping) is ultimately a flaw, making the game feel less like a superhero adventure than a reskinned Dungeons and Dragons module. Were I to recreate the series, I'd go back to old school turn-based combat with less opponents and more tactical gameplay. That would be a different game, of course, but a better one.
In all, the game isn't terrible. It just doesn't live up to its predecessors. Not only does it not innovate on the old gameplay, it straps on a Wiimote control scheme without taking advantage of the Wii's strengths. I'd considered playing this on the X-Box for more natural controls, but the cheesy dialogue and bland level design has convinced me it wouldn't be worth the effort. On a five point scale, I'd give Marvel Ultimate Alliance a 2.5. My hope is that future cross-platform ports are given enough development time to really leverage the Wii's motion-sensing strengths rather than just take the place of button-mashing.
Labels: Comics, Video Games, Wii
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posted by Gary A. Ballard @ 12:06 PM
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