Raging Douchebag Week: Day 3
Posted on
Monday, April 23, 2007
by Gary A. Ballard
Day 3 of Raging Douchebag Week is here, and today's nomination is one near and dear to my heart. Today's nomination comes from the world of comic books, the funny papers. The 10-cent newsprint joys of my childhood which inspired me to be both a writer and an artist have long since become the computer-colored, overpriced epic crossover mass market merchandising brands of the present day. And yet, despite all that's wrong with the comics industry, and there is plenty, I still love the funny books. But today's nomination has for years steered the listing ship of the comics industry directly into the rocks, and it's earned him the title of Raging Douchebag.
Joe Quesada has served as Marvel Comics Editor-in-Chief for years now, and during the first few years of his tenure, Marvel's quality improved for the most part. Perhaps it was the steadying influence of fellow douchebag Bill Jemas that kept the ship on a reasonable course. It may be that his initial bad tendencies were tempered by higher powers at Marvel unsure of his more ambitious ideas. Perhaps his successes, marked by increased sales and critical acclaim for stories such as Grant Morrison's X-Men run allowed him a freer hand at the helm. Whatever the reasons, it's become clear in the last year especially that while Joe Q. may know exactly what he's doing, what's he's doing is a complete fucking travesty.
The downfall started with Avengers Disassembled. It was certainly a bold idea, tearing down the company's flagship super-hero team, but such stories had been successful before. With Brian Michael Bendis writing the piece, it was sure to sell. But in a move that has since become suspiciously familiar, the ending was a full-blown nightmare. The entire story had the air of heavy-handed editorial about it, as if the concept and outcome were dreamed up by an editor who then left the details to a befuddled writer to sort out. This was followed by the relaunch of the Avengers title under Bendis' hand, and again, the entire concept seemed to stink of sales over story. The roster was made up of the company's most popular characters, despite two of those characters, Spider-Man and Wolverine, being so absolutely unsuited for a team book, especially one with the fictional stature of the Avengers. It's been a painful few years for this old fan of the Avengers to watch, as Bendis shoehorned his dialogue into characters' mouths with the finesse of an epileptic water buffalo on crystal meth.
But as the Distinguished Competition's Identity Crisis blockbuster/gimmick series became a hit, it necessitated a response from the Joe Q. school of comic sales. It was time for big event crossovers that changed the whole universe, and House of M was born. Born is too strong a word, of course: aborted is more like it. This shambling fetal puddle was a rambling paint-by-numbers affair bleeding directly out of Disassembled. At the end, the implausible villain of Disassembled, The Scarlet Witch, creates an even more implausible setup for the next year of Marvel's line, removing the mutant powers from all but 198 of the universe's mutants. This was ironic in that Alanis Morrisette way, because the Witch WAS a mutant. The next year of moping mutant-less idiocy limped along, turning established characters like Quicksilver into mutant-crystal junky evil mastermind douchebags and rendering most of the X-titles eye-gougingly boring.
But his greatest feat of comics douchebaggery was the Civil War mini-series that was just concluded. The series and its absolute assload of crossovers, one-shots, and tangent books had an interesting premise, ruined by a writer who was uninterested in exploring the political ramifications of its premise. Mark Millar, normally a fantastic writer, went through the motions with a story that seemed mapped out by editorial with no regard to common sense or continuity. Multiple books contradicted each other, and roughly all of the characters acted against type as established by decades of appearances.
Civil War left two lasting impressions which highlight the real reasons behind the series. Both were engineered to provoke maximum outrage in comics fandom, and both were perfect ways to attract attention to the story from the mainstream media. The first was the unmasking of Spider-Man, a truly unlikely event given all we know about the character. All it took was Tony Stark acting like Peter Parker's daddy and the mask came off. If Spider-Man were that easily led, it's a good thing he never pledged a fraternity. Wall-crawling is hard to do with a load of bing cherries shoved up one's keester. Joe Q. really hit the home run out of the douchebag park with the fate of Captain America, however. For those who haven't read the news, Mr. Quesada killed Captain America. Yes, symbol of American Liberty, champion for the everyman, the heart of a nation and hero of World War II and the Kree-Skrull War, that Captain America. And as if that wasn't enough, he's made sure we understand that Cap is dead with a five-part mini series called Fallen Son. That's right, five entire issues, each dedicated to one Marvel character's reaction to learning that Captain America really is dead.
And yes, the first issue with Wolverine is really as bad as it sounds.
Hey Joe, I know comic sales are a pale shadow of what they were in the early '90's before the Image crowd and speculator douchebags killed the market with a bazillion variant and gimmick covers. I realize making movie deals and selling the characters as brands is the only way Marvel Comics could survive some of the lean years. But flooding the market with tons of shitty titles, and pulling off shock deaths of established characters as ploys to attract media attention is not the way to do it. Either your writers are really really bad and can't come up with good stories without shock value and inane mysteries (WHO IS THIS RONIN!!! DUH DUH DUHHHHH!!!), or you need to stop coming up with ideas for your writers to fill in the details. Someone's ideas stink and since you have been the front man for most of the media attention, you get the blame.
That's why Raging Douchebag #3 is Joe Quesada, the man who killed Captain America. You did what Hitler never could. I only hope you unfuck the story before its too late. Maybe The Scarlet Witch can come along and undo the whole thing, if she can unmount the not-dead alternate reality version of Hawkeye long enough to say "No More Shitty Stories."
Joe Quesada has served as Marvel Comics Editor-in-Chief for years now, and during the first few years of his tenure, Marvel's quality improved for the most part. Perhaps it was the steadying influence of fellow douchebag Bill Jemas that kept the ship on a reasonable course. It may be that his initial bad tendencies were tempered by higher powers at Marvel unsure of his more ambitious ideas. Perhaps his successes, marked by increased sales and critical acclaim for stories such as Grant Morrison's X-Men run allowed him a freer hand at the helm. Whatever the reasons, it's become clear in the last year especially that while Joe Q. may know exactly what he's doing, what's he's doing is a complete fucking travesty.The downfall started with Avengers Disassembled. It was certainly a bold idea, tearing down the company's flagship super-hero team, but such stories had been successful before. With Brian Michael Bendis writing the piece, it was sure to sell. But in a move that has since become suspiciously familiar, the ending was a full-blown nightmare. The entire story had the air of heavy-handed editorial about it, as if the concept and outcome were dreamed up by an editor who then left the details to a befuddled writer to sort out. This was followed by the relaunch of the Avengers title under Bendis' hand, and again, the entire concept seemed to stink of sales over story. The roster was made up of the company's most popular characters, despite two of those characters, Spider-Man and Wolverine, being so absolutely unsuited for a team book, especially one with the fictional stature of the Avengers. It's been a painful few years for this old fan of the Avengers to watch, as Bendis shoehorned his dialogue into characters' mouths with the finesse of an epileptic water buffalo on crystal meth.
But as the Distinguished Competition's Identity Crisis blockbuster/gimmick series became a hit, it necessitated a response from the Joe Q. school of comic sales. It was time for big event crossovers that changed the whole universe, and House of M was born. Born is too strong a word, of course: aborted is more like it. This shambling fetal puddle was a rambling paint-by-numbers affair bleeding directly out of Disassembled. At the end, the implausible villain of Disassembled, The Scarlet Witch, creates an even more implausible setup for the next year of Marvel's line, removing the mutant powers from all but 198 of the universe's mutants. This was ironic in that Alanis Morrisette way, because the Witch WAS a mutant. The next year of moping mutant-less idiocy limped along, turning established characters like Quicksilver into mutant-crystal junky evil mastermind douchebags and rendering most of the X-titles eye-gougingly boring.
But his greatest feat of comics douchebaggery was the Civil War mini-series that was just concluded. The series and its absolute assload of crossovers, one-shots, and tangent books had an interesting premise, ruined by a writer who was uninterested in exploring the political ramifications of its premise. Mark Millar, normally a fantastic writer, went through the motions with a story that seemed mapped out by editorial with no regard to common sense or continuity. Multiple books contradicted each other, and roughly all of the characters acted against type as established by decades of appearances.
Civil War left two lasting impressions which highlight the real reasons behind the series. Both were engineered to provoke maximum outrage in comics fandom, and both were perfect ways to attract attention to the story from the mainstream media. The first was the unmasking of Spider-Man, a truly unlikely event given all we know about the character. All it took was Tony Stark acting like Peter Parker's daddy and the mask came off. If Spider-Man were that easily led, it's a good thing he never pledged a fraternity. Wall-crawling is hard to do with a load of bing cherries shoved up one's keester. Joe Q. really hit the home run out of the douchebag park with the fate of Captain America, however. For those who haven't read the news, Mr. Quesada killed Captain America. Yes, symbol of American Liberty, champion for the everyman, the heart of a nation and hero of World War II and the Kree-Skrull War, that Captain America. And as if that wasn't enough, he's made sure we understand that Cap is dead with a five-part mini series called Fallen Son. That's right, five entire issues, each dedicated to one Marvel character's reaction to learning that Captain America really is dead.
And yes, the first issue with Wolverine is really as bad as it sounds.
Hey Joe, I know comic sales are a pale shadow of what they were in the early '90's before the Image crowd and speculator douchebags killed the market with a bazillion variant and gimmick covers. I realize making movie deals and selling the characters as brands is the only way Marvel Comics could survive some of the lean years. But flooding the market with tons of shitty titles, and pulling off shock deaths of established characters as ploys to attract media attention is not the way to do it. Either your writers are really really bad and can't come up with good stories without shock value and inane mysteries (WHO IS THIS RONIN!!! DUH DUH DUHHHHH!!!), or you need to stop coming up with ideas for your writers to fill in the details. Someone's ideas stink and since you have been the front man for most of the media attention, you get the blame.
That's why Raging Douchebag #3 is Joe Quesada, the man who killed Captain America. You did what Hitler never could. I only hope you unfuck the story before its too late. Maybe The Scarlet Witch can come along and undo the whole thing, if she can unmount the not-dead alternate reality version of Hawkeye long enough to say "No More Shitty Stories."
Labels: Comics, Raging Douchebag Week
posted by Gary A. Ballard @ 7:45 PM
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