Fear and The Stupid: The Boston Lite Brite Scandal
Posted on
Thursday, February 01, 2007
by Gary A. Ballard
America in the post-9/11 world is a scary goddamn place. It isn't scary because of the threat of terrorist attack, a threat so miniscule even before 9/11 that most citizens are more likely to contract crotchrot from a rabid wombat than be killed by a fanatic with a bomb vest in a crowded market. It isn't scary because some nebulous group of men in a Middle Eastern cave are plotting against the Great Satan. It's scary because of the fear fomented and cultivated by the Bush administration in the five years since 9/11, the kind of fear that causes ordinary citizens to shit themselves at the appearance of a Lite-Brite.
Now, I'm not about to make excuses for the appearance of the Mooninites on bridges across the country. In fact, I'm about to rip everyone involved in this mess a new one. Simply put, every one of you ridiculous motherfuckers needs a slap across the mouth. Not one person involved in this idiotic happening has acted with any degree of intelligence. Let's start with the two stoner twats who got the whole ball rolling.
Put down the bong and think for one goddamn minute. You aren't going to be sent to Gitmo for this, and you aren't being persecuted. You exercised poor judgment, putting these things up on bridges, and then you videotaped it. You might as well have spraypainted the bridge and videotaped it, because vandalism is a crime and putting up those boards without permissions is likely a crime. And by videotaping it, you have given the police evidence of that crime. Did you seriously need the attention so much that you would make such an obvious mistake as to leave evidence behind? I feel like the crotchety old man on his porch, talking about "IN MY DAY!" But in my day, when we wanted to commit a bit of vandalism, we did it and got the fuck out so we wouldn't be caught. But your smart-assed comments to the media, refusing to answer any questions not about 1970's hair, make the situation worse. Just stick to the no comment like your lawyer advised. I'm sure the judge won't look on your lack of contrition with any humor whatsoever.
For the citizens who called this into the police as a bomb threat, I'm going to reserve some more scorn. Chances are, your life, your city and your bridges really just aren't that fucking important to a terrorist. But even if they were, think for one goddamn minute. A terrorist who puts GIANT BLINKING LIGHTS on this bomb is not a terrorist to be feared, because chances are he put his name on the bomb as well. He's about as smart as the '92 World Trade Center bomber who tried to get his deposit back on the van he used to bomb the building. In short, he is a drooling retard. Terrorists don't put the bombs out for all to see because they don't want someone to find the bomb before it goes boom boom. If you can see the bomb and have time to call 9/11, you aren't going to die. But if you are really in such constant state of frothing terror that you must call the bomb squad on a Lite-Brite, I suggest you take John Ashcroft's advice and duct tape yourself to an interior wall of your house with all the doors locked, lights off and communications devices unplugged. That's the only way to ensure that no one will be out to get you.
To the officials in Boston who made these statements:
Please, shut the fuck up. The stunt was at best a ball of unadulterated stupidity, at worst a publicity-seeking boondoggle by a pair of imbelic twats. It's not the product of corporate greed, so much as it is corporate cheapness, which I will explain later. You twats overreacted to a blinking kids toy and now you want someone to blame for being made to look like fools. And I can think up at least one more appalling publicity stunt, involving President Bush dancing with the corpses of all the soldiers he's gotten killed in this trumped-up WAR ON TERROR. Now THAT would be appalling, but it would show as much contempt for the American public as he's shown in removing civil liberties from us in the name of 9/11.
And finally, for Interference Inc. and all you other marketers and advertisers who think that "GUERRILLA MARKETING!!1!!" is the greatest thing since sliced bread and TV spots on the Super Bowl, please eat me. I know that marketers have no souls, but many of them have no brains either. Guerilla marketing is another word for marketing on the cheap. It's in the same category as hiring shills to go on Internet message boards and talk up your product positively. It's an attempt to manipulate minds by the cheapest, most dishonest ways possible. If you don't have the budget to do it right, guerilla marketing isn't the answer. Stop it.
As a fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, I lament this whole incident. Not because it makes the show look bad, but because it will get tons of people watching the show. You might think that's a good thing, but it isn't, because the people who will be watching are exactly the type of prudish cunts you don't want watching ATHF. These people will be appalled at the "Dickesode" episode, and not because it's a shitty episode completely out of character with the rest of the show and totally devoid of humor. No, they'll hate it because it says the word "DICKS" about a billion times and is very offensive. Those people will write letters and make calls to the FCC and pull a campaign on the level of South Park's Mrs. Broflovski and suddenly you'll be purveyors of filth to our nation's children. The video game industry will likely send you a ham to thank you for drawing all these prigs off of them, if only for a little while.
Our nation should learn a great lesson from this. Hyper-fear is bad for all parties involved, mmmmkay? Use some common sense judgment. Think twice about the line of bullshit your politicians are feeding you about the dangers of terrorism. And for God's sake, make sure your Lite-Brites aren't hanging off of bridges. The intelligent people who live among you will thank you for it, by heaping out derision upon your love of NASCAR.
Now, I'm not about to make excuses for the appearance of the Mooninites on bridges across the country. In fact, I'm about to rip everyone involved in this mess a new one. Simply put, every one of you ridiculous motherfuckers needs a slap across the mouth. Not one person involved in this idiotic happening has acted with any degree of intelligence. Let's start with the two stoner twats who got the whole ball rolling.
Put down the bong and think for one goddamn minute. You aren't going to be sent to Gitmo for this, and you aren't being persecuted. You exercised poor judgment, putting these things up on bridges, and then you videotaped it. You might as well have spraypainted the bridge and videotaped it, because vandalism is a crime and putting up those boards without permissions is likely a crime. And by videotaping it, you have given the police evidence of that crime. Did you seriously need the attention so much that you would make such an obvious mistake as to leave evidence behind? I feel like the crotchety old man on his porch, talking about "IN MY DAY!" But in my day, when we wanted to commit a bit of vandalism, we did it and got the fuck out so we wouldn't be caught. But your smart-assed comments to the media, refusing to answer any questions not about 1970's hair, make the situation worse. Just stick to the no comment like your lawyer advised. I'm sure the judge won't look on your lack of contrition with any humor whatsoever.
For the citizens who called this into the police as a bomb threat, I'm going to reserve some more scorn. Chances are, your life, your city and your bridges really just aren't that fucking important to a terrorist. But even if they were, think for one goddamn minute. A terrorist who puts GIANT BLINKING LIGHTS on this bomb is not a terrorist to be feared, because chances are he put his name on the bomb as well. He's about as smart as the '92 World Trade Center bomber who tried to get his deposit back on the van he used to bomb the building. In short, he is a drooling retard. Terrorists don't put the bombs out for all to see because they don't want someone to find the bomb before it goes boom boom. If you can see the bomb and have time to call 9/11, you aren't going to die. But if you are really in such constant state of frothing terror that you must call the bomb squad on a Lite-Brite, I suggest you take John Ashcroft's advice and duct tape yourself to an interior wall of your house with all the doors locked, lights off and communications devices unplugged. That's the only way to ensure that no one will be out to get you.
To the officials in Boston who made these statements:
Boston Police Commissioner Edward Davis called the stunt "unconscionable," while
Boston Mayor Thomas Menino called it "outrageous" and the product of "corporate
greed." Democratic Rep. Ed Markey, a Boston-area congressman, added, "It would
be hard to dream up a more appalling publicity stunt."
Please, shut the fuck up. The stunt was at best a ball of unadulterated stupidity, at worst a publicity-seeking boondoggle by a pair of imbelic twats. It's not the product of corporate greed, so much as it is corporate cheapness, which I will explain later. You twats overreacted to a blinking kids toy and now you want someone to blame for being made to look like fools. And I can think up at least one more appalling publicity stunt, involving President Bush dancing with the corpses of all the soldiers he's gotten killed in this trumped-up WAR ON TERROR. Now THAT would be appalling, but it would show as much contempt for the American public as he's shown in removing civil liberties from us in the name of 9/11.
And finally, for Interference Inc. and all you other marketers and advertisers who think that "GUERRILLA MARKETING!!1!!" is the greatest thing since sliced bread and TV spots on the Super Bowl, please eat me. I know that marketers have no souls, but many of them have no brains either. Guerilla marketing is another word for marketing on the cheap. It's in the same category as hiring shills to go on Internet message boards and talk up your product positively. It's an attempt to manipulate minds by the cheapest, most dishonest ways possible. If you don't have the budget to do it right, guerilla marketing isn't the answer. Stop it.
As a fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, I lament this whole incident. Not because it makes the show look bad, but because it will get tons of people watching the show. You might think that's a good thing, but it isn't, because the people who will be watching are exactly the type of prudish cunts you don't want watching ATHF. These people will be appalled at the "Dickesode" episode, and not because it's a shitty episode completely out of character with the rest of the show and totally devoid of humor. No, they'll hate it because it says the word "DICKS" about a billion times and is very offensive. Those people will write letters and make calls to the FCC and pull a campaign on the level of South Park's Mrs. Broflovski and suddenly you'll be purveyors of filth to our nation's children. The video game industry will likely send you a ham to thank you for drawing all these prigs off of them, if only for a little while.
Our nation should learn a great lesson from this. Hyper-fear is bad for all parties involved, mmmmkay? Use some common sense judgment. Think twice about the line of bullshit your politicians are feeding you about the dangers of terrorism. And for God's sake, make sure your Lite-Brites aren't hanging off of bridges. The intelligent people who live among you will thank you for it, by heaping out derision upon your love of NASCAR.
Labels: Bush Administration, Politics
posted by Gary A. Ballard @ 12:20 PM
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